Stella is literally watching me write this blog.
I am laying in bed and she is sitting facing the netbook, watching the words appear on the screen and my fingers moving. As cute as this is, I can only see 5% of the screen and am praying these words are spelled correctly (thank binoculars for spell check).
I am pretty mad at myself for not staying updated. There are a few things that I would have liked to blog about, but haven't. My life feels so different and I don't know if it's good or bad.
I miss Jake like a crazy person. Every day I have this compelling feeling to not get off at the appropriate exit and to keep driving straight for another 6 hours. But I can't.
Work has been getting better. I'm starting to enjoy it and make friends. I just have hardly any free time and because I'm only a part time worker, I'm not getting a lot of money for what feels like a lot of hours. But I'm ok with that. I couldn't handle anymore.
Things I should have blogged about:
Over a month ago my roommates first put up a "boxing ring" in our back yard. Sarah and I boxed. I 'won,' but there were some uneven odds going on.
A week after that I visited Jake for his birthday. It was a glorious weekend. I miss the bay so much. After I visited, that's when the serious sad days started to kick in. It helped me realize the sooner I get my shit together, the sooner I can go back home. As much as I am enjoying my time here down south, it is not home. I don't feel like I'm at home. I don't know how I feel. I use to feel like I was just visiting, but now it just feels normal, but not in a normal way.
I haven't posted any vlogs to YouTube and feel like an idiot. I need to start a weekly thing to get myself rolling. If you are reading this from my channel, I'm sorry. I have been so busy and promise to make time. I wanted to do a giveaway since I have 100+ followers now! Thank you!
I am managing to get through the days knowing I'll see Jake for Turkey Day. But after that? I don't want to think about it. I can't go home for winter break, but am hoping Jake will come down here, especially because IV will be much calmer and the house will be mostly empty.
I miss my mom a lot, too. She sends me amazing care packages even though she can't always afford it. I really want to send her something nice, I just can't think of it yet. I really miss just going to lunch or tea with her whenever. I don't have many friends outside the house, but even if I did, I wouldn't be able to fill the mom emptiness.
For Halloween I was a manba girl. It was a lot of fun doing the makeup, but the actual weekend sucked. It's probably because I don't drink, but I don't think that's all of it. There was a crazy couple that literally brawled each other and kept coming back when we kicked them out. And Saturday just sucked. My Halloween weekend was a total bust, the whole time I just wished I was back in the bay. I was borderline miserable. I didn't complain to anyone about that but one early morning, when I was asked by either Jack or Richard how I was, I mentioned how I was homesick and how Halloween wasn't the same for me. For some reason, Sarah thought it was her fault and threw me a surprise tea party. It was lovely and I really enjoyed it. It's not her fault that I don't fit in here and I don't know why she feels it's her responsibility. I think even if I did drink, I would still be about the same because Jake is what I miss the most.
I feel like I have no purpose in my life right now. It just feels like being stuck in the school rut. I have 3 papers due next week, one Monday and two on Tuesday. I think I can finish them all tomorrow no problem, especially because I have work earlier than normal on the weekends. I hope I get hired on as a regular after the holidays. And continuing on that hope, maybe even transfer to the Michael's back home for the summer. That would be amazing.
I'm forcing myself to draw again. If I want to be a fashion person, I need to be able to at least draw my designs/outfits. I did a couple already and think they turned out alright. I have a scrap book but decided to make it my design portfolio instead as a way to keep myself positive.
The last thing I can think of is that there's a possibility that Jake might go to Japan without me. :C Even though I explained earlier how it was important to me that we both go at the same time for the first time, it didn't stick and his Oma offered to pay for his trip and said I wasn't allowed to go. It's not that she doesn't like me, she just wants him to get an experience of the outside world and that's where he wants to go. I wish he'd pick somewhere else because it is so important to me. It's one of the few things we have in common and he's always saying we don't have a lot, too. But whatever. He hasn't told me his final answer yet and I don't want to think about it anymore.
This holiday, I think I'm going to ask for shoes. I want so many Jeffrey Campbell's that I'm going to pick my favorite and ask for them. So far, the Damsil JC x BlackMilk Galaxy ones are winning. I will probably end up buying myself a pair of spiked Litas in the next couple weeks, probably with the next pay check. I want Lolita, too, but just am too down to ever want to wear it. The longer I am here, the less I want to get dressed up. It's weird.
I think that's enough ranting for now. Good Night, World.
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